Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart would have fun with the names in this one ...
from The Public, of March 16, 1901:
OUR SYSTEM OF TAXATION.
Old Sam Head made his millions running department stores. His method was simple. He would buy a building or take a long lease in the best part of a town. Then he would divide it up, allotting the front to fancy goods, the center to dry goods and the rear to groceries. He would entice merchants to hire of him sections of the store. He furnished light, heat, elevator service, detectives, caretakers for the building and cleaners for the aisles. For the best situations he charged the highest price, but being a good natured fellow, he gave a peanut man the privilege, for nothing, to sell his wares on the sidewalk.
One day he suddenly disappeared, and the boys took up the business. Wood Head, who was an observing fellow, took a point from the ways our cities are run and reversed the old man's methods. He charged a fee for bringing goods into the store and appointed officers who received the dues as they passed the door. Some of these fees were on the value of the goods, and some of them a fixed price for each article. He argued that, although this required a considerable number of officials, the customers who purchased goods never noticed that there was such a change, and the income derived from it relieved the seller of the goods from a part of his fees for the ground rent.
In addition to this, it induced some of the storekeepers to start making manufactures of their own, which seemed to make a demand for floor space; yet somehow, the receipts fell off and the store did not seem to be prospering.
Another brother, Bill Head, said the best thing to do would be to charge every customer who came to do business a fee based upon his estimated income. Customers seemed to object to this, and would never give their incomes correctly. They were dishonest. But Bill insisted that the principle was a just and fair one. He said "they pay according to their abilities."
Dick Head said he believed in internal revenue, and instituted a tax on all corsets worn in the store. He said corsets were injurious, anyhow. This tax was constantly evaded, however, by unscrupulous women, who said they wore only waists. The young men especially objected to being examined as to whether they wore corsets. Sharp Head, who was a far-sighted sort of chap, seeing that his brother's plans were not working as well as they might, and that a change in the management was bound to come, induced them to give him a lease (which he duly recorded) of the elevators, and charged everybody for going up or down. He put in an improved elevator, and pointed out to the firm what a public service he had done.
Big Head, taking a point from him, got a similar franchise for supplying light, and as he had not the capital to put in the electric lights that were needed, he got an agreement out of the concern that they would give him bonds for an amount sufficient to cover the actual cost of putting in an electric light plant, and he should charge a moderate fee for the service.
The custom of the store, however, seemed to be dwindling, and it was necessary to devise some new methods of raising revenue. A conference of the brothers decided that a proper source would be a small charge for the water in the drinking fonts and the lavatories. By a happy inspiration, the firm also sold outright the exclusive privilege of supplying heat to the building, for which every storekeeper had to pay in accordance with the amount of floor space he occupied. This brought in a large sum which kept the firm going for some time. Nevertheless, the business declined.
Wood Head now admitted that his tariff on goods coming in was not working well, as it did not bring enough revenue. He claimed that it had done its work by establishing industries, and that it would now be well to establish licenses to do business. He urged that those departments which sold soda water and other things that people did not need, ought to pay for the privilege; that if customers did not wish to be taxed, they should not buy these things.
Bill Head stuck to his income tax; but as it was very difficult to collect, he consented to modify it so that only the merchant should pay it. On these, however, he made them swear to the amount of their profits, or rather for the most part, swear that there were none.
Wood Head said that, in his opinion, Sharp and Big were making all the money that was in the business, and that the wise thing would be to charge them a fee for the privilege they had.
These plans, however, were of no avail, and the brothers despairingly concluded that there could be no natural and scientific plan of taxation. and made an assignment. —Bolton Hall, in Johnstown (Pa.) Democrat.
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